2) Getting Non-Stoners to Smoke (Especially on 420)

Stoners are smarter than non-stoners because they know that weed is the greatest thing on Earth. Stoners cannot believe that there are actually people out there who have never smoked weed, so they are very wary when making new friends.

When a stoner meets an appealing person for the first time, his or her main objective is to find out whether or not the person smokes weed without making the conversation awkward. The best way to approach the situation is to listen intently to their speech for key catch phrases. A reference to a jungle cat, an expressed desire for Domino's, or a profound quote from Grandma's Boy are all signs that this new person is compatible.

Once the ice is broken with such a reference, you are now free to ask your new friend if he or she smokes weed. The new friend will most likely be very excited that the ice is broken, and will invite you over to view their Star Wars paraphernalia on their couch while watching Planet Earth accordingly.

Unfortunately, it doesn't always happen this way. Often, a stoner's shared marijuana affinity inquiry will be met with blank stares, or the worst response ever: "no." When this happens, it is best to abandon any conversation and walk away.

However, a "no" has a 40% chance of being followed by "but I would." When a stoner hears this phrase, it is the equivalent of winning the lottery. Because this means that a stoner is about to achieve perhaps the greatest feat of his or her stoner lifetime: smoking someone out for their first time.

Smoking a new person out for the first time guarantees a stoner a spot in stoner heaven. Not only are they bringing a new stoner into the world, but they are changing this person’s life forever. They are essentially Jesus. A stoner knows his or her job is to make the new friend feel as comfortable as possible the first time they smoke so as to keep a 100% retention rate.

The best way to do so is to use a pipe or joint, and have lots of water handy for when the person coughs. It is also wise to order the pizza 15 minutes before arriving to the stoner den, so that it arrives just as the friend is claiming that “I don’t feel anything!” and can thus prove them wrong. The pizza is also essential because it stops any form of new stoner paranoia that may happen, and induces a euphoria that you can manipulate to associate this new friend’s happiness with marijuana, to ensure they will never ever say “I tried it once but it wasn’t my thing”. Thus, it is wise to ask the new friend what kind of toppings they like before you leave the bar. Follow these steps, and you will have a lifelong friendship.