Monday, May 24, 2010
So you’re stoned out of your mind. You and your buddies are piled out on the couch, and let’s face it, you’re not going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe you just returned from a huge night of partying. More likely you’ve been doing nothing but watching some random marathon about outer space and/or time travel for the past four hours. You didn’t even notice how long you’d been watching; you turned the TV on to watch the DVR’d Lost finale, got distracted, and the rest is history. But dude, how crazy is the universe? It goes on for like, ever. Imagine how many other galaxies there must be. There’s probably a planet JUST LIKE Pandora from Avatar. You’re definitely going there one day. And you’ll totally come back with like 15 new stoner alien friends. I wonder if they have facebook…
So finally you snap and realize that this intergalactic mind boner has lasted for far too long. Three words: worst munchies ever. The cold cereal you ate four hours ago definitely didn’t cut it (Fruity Pebbles man- respect). With munchies like these, you realize that it’s time for the real deal. That’s right- it’s time to call Domino’s.
True stoners know that Domino’s is Plan A for two reasons. First, it’s convenient in every single country. No matter if you’re in London, Hong Kong, Ethiopia, or Omaha Nebraska there’s a 100% guarantee that there’s a Domino’s within a one mile radius. And you’d better believe those bitches deliver.
Second, Domino’s has the best menu ever. And don’t front like their new crust isn’t the most delicious yet shamelessly deceitful minor addition of salty garlic butter spread the world has ever seen. Then there’s the thin crust, which is a great excuse to eat an entire pizza and not feel bad about it the next day. It’s an oversized cracker topped with heaven. And don’t even get a stoner started on their love for the 5-5-5 deal unless you’re prepared to listen to a monologue so beautiful and inspiring that you’ll both be in tears within minutes.
The spirit of smoking weed has a longtime history of being the spirit of sharing with others who may not be exactly like oneself. This is where Domino’s beauty truly shines. No matter your age, race, hometown, or religion, stoners of all shapes and sizes universally unite in their love for stoned Domino’s. And, more importantly, stoners of all shapes and sizes know that all Domino’s orders must include cinnastix.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Everyone knows that stoners are pretty much the smartest and most intuitive people on earth, especially when stoned. This is because stoners, unlike non-stoners, are able to tap deep into their brains past a comfortable, self-reassuring level of thinking to assess complex problems and see simple and straightforward solutions. If only the rest of the world were as insightful, mankind could march onward toward progress, world peace, and universal happiness instead of being stuck watching reruns of Battlestar Galactica on non-HD channels after 8 hours at their corporate desk job.
Take the challenges we face today: environmental catastrophes, an international depression, and a group of well-trained and angry men and women intent on blowing up planes that, in a better world, would transport only marijuana (then, when the planes crashed, everyone within a 20 mile radius would get high instead of getting killed. See how many problems weed solves before you even smoke it?) Whereas the so-called experts cannot seem to stop debating the best “solutions” to these catastrophes, stoners have always known the true cure for all the world’s problems: the legalization of marijuana.
Legalizing weed would not only reverse the national deficit, but it would also solve every problem in the universe. Legalizing pot will eradicate all crime, cure the sick, and mellow the entire population so that everyone is in harmony with the universe.
Just close your eyes and try to imagine George Bush and Osama Bin Laden fighting over an 8th of OG Kush. Impossible. It would never happen. Do you think Benjamin Netanyahu and Yousuf Raza Gilani would care where their border is located if they were on a stoned man date to see Avatar in 3D? Of course not. Weed makes happy people, and happy people just don’t kill each other, or let others be killed. Any stoner for President in 2012.
If there were a list of traits that all stoners possessed, I’d bet all the shake in my grinder that ingenuity would be trait #1. If stoners were honest, we would have broken our parents’ hearts by admitting we spent our allowance on overpriced schwag in middle school. If stoners possessed courage, we’d have beaten Doom II long before rumors of a God cheat giving you infinite ammo and the ability to walk through walls eradicated all our fears.
No, stoners admire ingenuity above all other traits. Stoners are universally recognized as possessing the potential of Zeus, Thor, and Jesus Christ rolled into one compact ball of pure cleverness. How do stoners display their feats of ingenuity? Simple: by making bongs from random objects.
The first time a stoner finds himself bong-less is always bewildering. Anger, anxiety, fear, and longing are among the many emotions a stoner goes through when they realize they left the bong at their stupid stoner friend’s house who probably isn’t even using it right now. Shortly thereafter, or maybe after 5-10 minutes depending on how stoned they are, something will click and the stoner will follow their stone-dar and reach for the fruit bowl.
The apple bong may be a staple, but it inevitably leaves a stoner unfulfilled. Not only does it render its user unable to optimize their highness, it is also a waste of a delicious apple that will transform into the most desirable apple ever within five minutes.
A stoner’s time is better spent crafting an equally simple water bong or a device that will take its user to a whole new level of awesomeness: the gravity bong. Stoners who possess an unparalleled level of stoner creativity often choose construct a cone piece bong, a toilet paper roll bong, or, if time permits, a converted gas mask bong. Rumors are that Chuck Norris smokes with nothing else.
Stoners are smarter than non-stoners because they know that weed is the greatest thing on Earth. Stoners cannot believe that there are actually people out there who have never smoked weed, so they are very wary when making new friends.
When a stoner meets an appealing person for the first time, his or her main objective is to find out whether or not the person smokes weed without making the conversation awkward. The best way to approach the situation is to listen intently to their speech for key catch phrases. A reference to a jungle cat, an expressed desire for Domino's, or a profound quote from Grandma's Boy are all signs that this new person is compatible.
Once the ice is broken with such a reference, you are now free to ask your new friend if he or she smokes weed. The new friend will most likely be very excited that the ice is broken, and will invite you over to view their Star Wars paraphernalia on their couch while watching Planet Earth accordingly.
Unfortunately, it doesn't always happen this way. Often, a stoner's shared marijuana affinity inquiry will be met with blank stares, or the worst response ever: "no." When this happens, it is best to abandon any conversation and walk away.
However, a "no" has a 40% chance of being followed by "but I would." When a stoner hears this phrase, it is the equivalent of winning the lottery. Because this means that a stoner is about to achieve perhaps the greatest feat of his or her stoner lifetime: smoking someone out for their first time.
Smoking a new person out for the first time guarantees a stoner a spot in stoner heaven. Not only are they bringing a new stoner into the world, but they are changing this person’s life forever. They are essentially Jesus. A stoner knows his or her job is to make the new friend feel as comfortable as possible the first time they smoke so as to keep a 100% retention rate.
The best way to do so is to use a pipe or joint, and have lots of water handy for when the person coughs. It is also wise to order the pizza 15 minutes before arriving to the stoner den, so that it arrives just as the friend is claiming that “I don’t feel anything!” and can thus prove them wrong. The pizza is also essential because it stops any form of new stoner paranoia that may happen, and induces a euphoria that you can manipulate to associate this new friend’s happiness with marijuana, to ensure they will never ever say “I tried it once but it wasn’t my thing”. Thus, it is wise to ask the new friend what kind of toppings they like before you leave the bar. Follow these steps, and you will have a lifelong friendship.
If you ask any stoner what their favorite TV show is, they will probably take a lot of time to think out loud about all the unrelated shows they like and name them sporadically, each getting more emphasis than the next until they will exhale, defeated, and proclaim, “duuuuude, I don’t even KNOW.”
Then, they will think back on their exhaustive list, including mostly shows having to do with food, followed by comedies, followed by a deep internal battle between the British vs. American Office (the answer is a tie: the British office has better verbal humor while the American office has better physical humor), then something will click and they will recall the holy grail of television, and arguably life: THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.
There are few things stoners like better than the discovery channel, and by few things I mean one thing and that’s eating pizza while watching the discovery channel.
However, the most exciting thing about the Discovery Channel to a stoner is the best show to ever grace a stoner’s life: PLANET EARTH. Spring of 2007 might as well be known as the “spring of the stoner”, because 2.9 million new stoners were created world-wide during the season of Planet Earth.
Every stoner can spend on average 5 hours of conversation using empirical evidence to discuss and debate choice Planet Earth moments.
“Dude, remember the vampire fish from hell? Ocean’s Deep is the BEST.”
“No way man, CAVES! The eyeless cave salamander? INsane!
“Evolution is so gnarly...” (5 minutes of silence while stoners proceed into trance-like state pondering evolution)
… “Wild Ass.”
“Sigourney Weaver is so sick.”
“Dude David Attenborough’s so much more legit”
“No WAY man! Can’t deal with his accent. But then again, you like the British Office…”
Anyway. When Planet Earth ended, stoners everywhere went into an extensive yet unspoken period of stoner depression. Then came the year 2010.
In addition to the release of Avatar (No words.), 2010 has been ridiculously legit because Discovery Channel decided to answer every stoner’s prayers with the most epic follow-up to Planet Earth ever: LIFE. Life follows not specific regions, but animals themselves, and every stoner agrees that the sick animals are the main reason for watching Planet Earth in the first place. Focusing on animals guarantees one epic mauling per episode, and epic mauling is directly proportional to stoner happiness.
While there will surely be much debate to come about Life scenes, one thing stoners everywhere can agree on is that Oprah Winfrey sucks.