Tuesday, April 27, 2010

1) Life on the Discovery Channel



If you ask any stoner what their favorite TV show is, they will probably take a lot of time to think out loud about all the unrelated shows they like and name them sporadically, each getting more emphasis than the next until they will exhale, defeated, and proclaim, “duuuuude, I don’t even KNOW.”

Then, they will think back on their exhaustive list, including mostly shows having to do with food, followed by comedies, followed by a deep internal battle between the British vs. American Office (the answer is a tie: the British office has better verbal humor while the American office has better physical humor), then something will click and they will recall the holy grail of television, and arguably life: THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

There are few things stoners like better than the discovery channel, and by few things I mean one thing and that’s eating pizza while watching the discovery channel.

However, the most exciting thing about the Discovery Channel to a stoner is the best show to ever grace a stoner’s life: PLANET EARTH. Spring of 2007 might as well be known as the “spring of the stoner”, because 2.9 million new stoners were created world-wide during the season of Planet Earth.

Every stoner can spend on average 5 hours of conversation using empirical evidence to discuss and debate choice Planet Earth moments.
“Dude, remember the vampire fish from hell? Ocean’s Deep is the BEST.”
“No way man, CAVES! The eyeless cave salamander? INsane!
“Evolution is so gnarly...” (5 minutes of silence while stoners proceed into trance-like state pondering evolution)
… “Wild Ass.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Sigourney Weaver is so sick.”
“Dude David Attenborough’s so much more legit”
“No WAY man! Can’t deal with his accent. But then again, you like the British Office…”

Anyway. When Planet Earth ended, stoners everywhere went into an extensive yet unspoken period of stoner depression. Then came the year 2010.

In addition to the release of Avatar (No words.), 2010 has been ridiculously legit because Discovery Channel decided to answer every stoner’s prayers with the most epic follow-up to Planet Earth ever: LIFE. Life follows not specific regions, but animals themselves, and every stoner agrees that the sick animals are the main reason for watching Planet Earth in the first place. Focusing on animals guarantees one epic mauling per episode, and epic mauling is directly proportional to stoner happiness.

While there will surely be much debate to come about Life scenes, one thing stoners everywhere can agree on is that Oprah Winfrey sucks.

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